The Secret Life of a Sort of Out Lesbian

F.M.L.

2010-05-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

Yup, F#!% my life, really and truly, this is the kind of experience that I have nightmares about. Not scary swamp monsters under the bed kind of nightmare, the kind of nightmare that is frightening because it is so realistic. Seriously, though if my life were some kind of TV drama, this would be one hell of a cliche plot device. Maybe that's why cliches are so cliche, because they actually happen to much for us to enjoy. I suppose I ought to spit it out now.

My mom knows.

For sure, she 100% knows that I'm a big ol' homo. I know this because I heard her and my dad talking this morning in the living room while they thought I was sleeping in my bed down the hall. My dad read something from the paper about Alison Hannigan, 'best know for her role as Willow, the lesbian witch on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' In my half conscious state, I woke up because Buffy is one of my new favorite show; it's over the top, witty, clever, and just generally entertaining. My mom responds to be saying quietly that's one of my favorite show, and she had wondered why I liked it so much. She sounds really depressive and my dad apologizes for bringing it up. They're quite for awhile, and I can't here anything as I make every effort to not freak out, since they are in the next room. I'm calming myself down when I hear the thing that really, really kills me. I hear my mom say 'If I would have know this when she was in high school, we would not have spent all that money on Saint----, she would have gone to state school on that scholarship and it would have been at least two hours away.'

What?! Really? Did I really just hear her say that? My own mother would have deprived my of a superior education at a very good school that happens to be religious in favor of a school quite a bit further away because she can't deal with knowing I'm gay. Excuse my language, but What. the. Hell. I never ever thought that she would say something like that even if she didn't know that I heard her. She's not like that, she can't be. She's said before that she would accept and love me regardless of what I did in life as long as I treat others with respect.

A part of me wants to believe that this is another one of those cliche plot devices where I misheard her and she really is just worried about me fitting in at a religious school, and another part of me believes that that is pretty damn optimistic and unrealistic. It just really saddens me that she feels that way. So I spent my entire day trying to act normal while my mom, who is normally kind of depressed lately acted even more depressed and wouldn't say why. I so badly wanted to just say "I heard you this morning, and WTF is your problem?" and other times I felt sincerely like freaking out. I kept my cool though, because I'm still kind of in shock over the whole thing and don't know how to go about it.

A part of me thinks I should just come out and tell her I heard everything, and no, I don't like Buffy because Willow is gay, but because it is witty and unique. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have to like all things homo (although the Tara/Willow thing is cute, I also happened to like the Xander/Anya pairing). Well, that would be getting off topic, but the point is that it might be easier now because I'm not telling her something she doesn't already know. On the other hand, she's been depressive lately, and I don't want to make it worse. I also don't think she was serious about the college comment, but if she was, me official coming out could make my senior year of college difficult.

Sigh. I don't know what to do with myself now. Has any one out there had a dilemma like this? Any advice?
Sorry if that was a downer. Thanks for reading though!

Just a quick note...

2010-01-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

This one will be short, I promise. :)
I just put a poll up asking what everyone's favorite lesbian movie is. It's mostly out of curiosity, but if I get enough votes, I'll maybe write a review or a blog about the winning movie, I'd also love to discover some new, good lesbian movies. By all means if you have a favorite that's not on the list, please let me know in a comment on this entry, or any other entry. Thanks!

Hmm, I think she might have suspicions...

2010-01-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, sorry this is so long. This is mostly my ramblings, my venting if you will. :)

What I said in the last post was not entirely true. My mom might have suspicions now that she didn't have when I wrote the draft of that last post. Part of my suspicions of her suspicions comes just from my own increasing awareness of my homosexuality. For example, I'm more aware of it, so I feel everyone else must be. It's also led me to be more comfortable with my gayness, so I feel I'm probably dropping hints without realizing it.

Mostly though, it's one pretty huge, traumatic hint that I dropped in september.

I was feeling pretty good about myself after having just visited my therapist for a routine visit. As my therapist and I were talking about me having a hard time finding other out people at school, she mentioned in passing that there are these rainbow pride bracelets that glbt people wear.

I went to look at them online and saw that there was a pair for sale for a few bucks. On a whim, I bought them without thinking too much about it. It would have been great if not for one glaring fact. I used an account that sends notifications to my mom's email account.

I got that horrible sickening feeling you might get after you realize you just deleted your term paper permanently from the face of the earth. I held out hope that the order might be discreet, you know just send a confirmation code instead of a description. No such luck. I logged onto the account (I couldn't get into her email to delete it) after ordering and it had in blaring bold letters that I had just ordered a pride bracelet and suggestions for any number of other pride items that I could buy.

That's only the beginning.

I freaked out a little bit after I did that. It's not that I cared so much about my mom knowing at that point that her daughter is a raging lesbian, just how she would come to that realization. After a few hours, I calmed down until I checked my email. My mom had forwarded the cofirmation with the glaring, completely unsubtle all caps listing which said GAY PRIDE BRACELETS confirmation. She hadn't written a single thing with the forwarded message.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Not good. At all.

I steadied myself. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she didn't see the title of the email (yeah, right). Armed with all the wishful thinking I could muster, I called my mom to see if I could gage how she had reacted. It wasn't good.

Usually, my mom is really happy to hear from me and perks up when I call. Even if she's having a bad day and can't muster the enthusiasm, she'll vent to me about what's been frustrating her. We're really close like that. No such luck this time.

As soon as she answered the phone, she sounded different, really down. I tried to make conversation, you know just little small talk about a show we started watching together when I was home for the summer. Usually she'll have her two cents on what she thinks will happen next. I got nothing from her. I felt like I was having a one person conversation. I would say something and it would be silent on the other end, which is super weird for her.

After a short while of dragging "yeah"s out of her, I decided to venture into dangerous territory and ask what was wrong. This is the part that really got to me. She said "Nothing you can help me with."

That is sooo incredibly weird for her that I was taken aback, so I really put myself out there and asked if she would like to explain, to which she just said no.

At this point, I was almost 100% sure that she has suspicions and this was her, um, less than positive reaction to those suspicions.

After I finished talking to my mom, I cried a little bit. I probably could have kept my composure, but both my roomates were out, so I cried for awhile (which I very rarely do). Then I crawled into bed for awhile until the roomies returned and I told them about what had gone down.

They comforted me then we went to dinner, during which I got a text from my mom. It said something along the lines of 'I know you mentioned it, but who was the bracelet a gift for?' I had told her, as if in passing that I had ordered a gift for a friend, hoping that I could cover my own ass.

I quickly texted back saying it was a joke bday gift for my friend who jokes that men are too difficult so she might as well turn lesbian. My mom responded with something about how men can be difficult and cited my sister's on again boyfriend as an example.

That was it. In the past almost four months, the issue has not even come close to coming up in conversation. Things are as they were before between us. But that one stupid, stupid, stupid hint that I dropped gives me the feeling that she has suspicions.

Even if she completely bought my explanation, the way she reacted before my explanation of the 'gift' really rattled me. Would it really be that depressing if her daughter were gay? I don't want to depress her, especially with our family history of depression. I also want to be honest with her since we are so close.

I kinda wish she had asked me out right if I was gay. I would have been truthful and then I would have no big secret that I have to constantly guard. She'll never ask though. That's just not our family style, we're a very non-confrontational, passive, people pleasing bunch. It makes for a pretty good relationship with the parents, but can be frustrating, because I have no idea how my mom really feels. Oh, well. At least things haven't changed since then, right?

I dunno, I'm not too sure where to go from here after this verry long post. I guess if there's anyone reading this, you can vent about similar experiences or let me know what you think of the whole messed up thing. :)

I Have a Confession...

2009-05-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I kind of forgot about this site, but I had this entry from awhile ago that I just finished up. I thought I'd post it in case anyone reads this little blog. Things have changed a little bit since this, but not too much so I thought I'd post my half year old ramblings.:)

It's nothing shocking really. As a matter of fact, you've probably stumbled across this blog because you already know part of my "secret." I write, and occassionally read, fanfiction, the vast majority of which is Harry Potter stories about lesbian relationships that I've dreamed up. The secret part is that no one in my life knows about it. Well, my roommate got it out of me once when I was a little liquored up, but no one really knows the extent of it. For a little while, I was borderline obsessed with writing fanfics. I still really enjoy it, but I have a life outside of fanfics. I think a part of the appeal for me is the secret of it. It's as though I'm sneaking around doing something forbidden, and as mild mannered as I am, even I can see the appeal in that. It brought excitement to an otherwise excruciatingly boring life. There where times when I was sitting watching TV with my family while reading or writing somewhat steamy lesbian stories. It's wierd, but that was like an escape, and still is really.

It was also amusing to wonder what my mom would think if she found that I was imagining two women making out while watching repeats of Law & Order. It would be the very last thing that she expected from me. I'm still firmly of the opinion that she will forever consider me straight, even when I come out. I feel she'll ignore it completely and continue trying to set me up with my guy friends. I suppose that's better than other reactions, though it's still not ideal. Maybe she won't be that bad come to think of it, but I still feel it's one of those things that we'll never ever talk about unless absolutely necessary. More on that next post... :)

Gay People? What gay people?

2009-04-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again. When I sat down to write this post I was debating how much I should tell you about my school, you know what with wanting to practice safe surfing and all. I settled writing that I go to a small/medium, fairly conservative religious school. Needless to say, in order to be consistent with the tradition of the school, the official position is that they frown upon homosexuality, or rather, homosexual activity. Because of this, an attempt a few years ago to create a Gay Straight Alliance was shot down, a fact that I only learned when I came out and was looking for somewhere to go for support.
It's as though they're trying to deny the existence of gay people on campus, or at the very least undermining the importance of gay people on campus. If there is no support group, then the homosexuality will be less likely to exist. I find it a bit ridiculous and insulting. It's hypocritical too, since they recently made a big deal about an inclusiveness/diversity effort that they're making. I'd mention some of the statistics in the report, but that report was for 'internal use only' so I'd be in deep trouble should I discuss anything in it with someone not a part of the college.
In light of the new effort to be inclusive (which, to be fair, was started after the GSA was shot down a few years ago), I've been considering trying again to start up a GSA, using the whole diversity thing as one of my arguments. I'm hesitant though, because a few of my friends, though supportive of me are on the conservative side, and this might cause tension if I really push the issue. On top of that, I really don't like drama or being the center of attention. On the other hand, I really feel compelled to do something, moreso than I have for any other cause I've come across. I doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are I'd like your opinion. What should I do in this case?

Let Me Explain...

2009-04-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

Before I make any entries here, I ought to explain myself. In case you entirely missed the title, I am a lesbian. I've known this about myself for, ohh, I don't know, about six years, since around the time I was in 8th grade. I can actually take you back to the exact hallway in my middle school where I realized that I was looking at another girl's body in a way that I couldn't for the boys. Anyways, I knew for six years and only came out to my closest friends in November. Part of it was that I was a little ashamed and scared of how I felt, what with my good old Catholic guilt kicking in and a definite lack of education regarding sexuality. The other part was that I never really had a friend I was close enough to that I could trust with such a potentially explosive secret. I am not necessarily trying to hide my sexuality from any of my peers any more; I've come more to terms with it over the course of the past few months (and therapy sessions). I almost want people to know, because I feel as though I can be more myself when people know that about me. It also might help me to find a girl, because out lesbians are severely lacking on my college campus, as is a GSA (that's a story for another day though), and you can't exactly go around asking people which way they swing.

The only people I don't want to know about me are my family, or more specifically my parents, that's where the sort of out part comes in. My sister know because we attend the same college, but she has promised not to tell my mom or dad. I'm honestly scared shitless of telling them about me. It's not as if they're super-conservative or anything. As a matter of fact, thier political status is independent, so they're really more moderate. It's just that they've said things about homosexuality and my gay cousin that have been a bit unnerving for me. They weren't horrifically homophobic statements or anything, just enough to make me not want them to ever find out. On top of that, my mother is a really emotional type of person. I get the feeling that she would cry and be all depressive about it, even though I know she would accept me. I just don't want to upset my parents unnecessarily, and to be perfectly honest I really hate drama and any form of confrontation, even if it's not confronatation at all. So, overall, I've decided to make my homosexuality a 'need to know' type thing with my parents.

Well, that explanation was a lot longer than I thought it would be, My posts on here will likely vary in length, and I'll likely write about things pertaining to my life as a sort of out lesbian, since after all I have choosen that for my title, and I wouldn't want to be accused of false advertising. :o)